God’s Princess

       "DO NOT TRUST ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF", a cab driver sternly warned me two weeks ago. I don’t know why he said that out of nowhere but at that time, I found his unsolicited advice rather cynic. Why? I’m the type of person who would easily trust people. I lend money to total strangers…as in  4 digits worth of moolah to people whom I’ve only met for the first time in the street.  I ride  in a car with people I barely know. I let them drive my car or ride with me. When my friends know of this, they get shocked and they berate me. One friend short of scolded me,saying, "Don’t you ever watch the news, Ria? Everyday, people get held-up, raped, and killed !!!" I am not ignorant of the crimes that are happening around me yet I still believe in the goodness of people. I believe that every human being, no matter how evil he or she may seem, has a good core…because everyone is made in the image and likeness of God.

      There is some truth to my belief but I have also learned that the "good core" which I am pertaining to somehow gets jaded because of the fallen world that we live in. Yes, people hold-up, rape, kill, and do a helluva smorgasbord of heinous crimes. And my belief in that "good core" won’t change the fact that evil indeed lurks in the society. It’s both a blessing and a curse that I have fallen victim to some petty crimes. A blessing because I’ve learned not to be way too trusting. A curse because, well, it’s always traumatic to lose money or material possessions to some people whom you’ve given your trust to. Sad to say, I was (or still am) a perfect victim for swindlers because I am Ms. Gullible (yes, with a capital G!).          

    Another lesson, which I think is more important, is that I should be wary not only of strangers but also of people close to my heart. I should not believe in everything that these people tell me. Some people lie. Other people deceive and betray…and the betrayal of this kind is the worst. It steals not material possessions but it robs smiles, laughters…and the chance to be happy. Bringing misery, in my book, is the highest crime. However, no crime, no matter how grave it is, should be unforgivable, based on God’s book.

    To trust or not no trust?

    That remains a question.

   For now, I think I’ll heed the advice of the cab driver. I’ll trust nobody but myself… my parents too…and God of course. Everybody has to bear with mistrust.

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see through my eyes
But then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I can’t

I know
You dont really see my worth
You think you’re the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long

Coz someday, someone’s gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday, someday

But now
I know you can’t tell
I’m down,and i’m not down anyway
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won’t have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Aaaaaw…can any song be sadder than this?

       Drifting like a deadwood afloat the river of life…that’s what I have been like for the longest time. I don’t know what to do…where to go…and why should I even do or go whatever or wherever that is. So I just go with the flow and take whatever shit comes my way….a lot of shit. It took me 26 years and several buckets of tears to finally accept that shit happens in real life. Problem-free lives only exist in fictional novels. Pain is a part of living. The only time we are free of pain is when we die…

      So I begin my narrative on how death is better than life….Oh no, I won’t let myself indulge on that topic. Let me just say that I am fantasizing about death lately. It’s weird that I fancy death when most people dread it. Call me weird… I am.

     Death is bliss. It is the gateway to eternal life.

" Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive…

…For a good many people imagine that forgiving your enemies means making out that they are really not such bad fellows after all, when it is quite plain that they are…

…In my most clear sighted moments not only did I not think myself a nice person, but I know that I am  a nasty one. I can look at some of the things I have done with loathing and horror. So apparently I am allowed to loathe and hate some of the things my enemies do. Now that I come to think of it, I remember Christian teachers telling me a long time ago that I must hate a bad man’s actions, but not hate the bad man : or, as they would say, hate the sin but not the sinner.

     For a long time I used to think this is a silly, straw-splitting distinction : how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occured to me that there was one person to whom I had been doing this all my life - namley myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact, the very reason why I hated the things was that I loved the person. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find that I was the sort of person who did those things. Consequently Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty or treachery. We ought to hate them. Not one word of what we have said about them needs to be unsaid. But it does want us to hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves : being sorry that the person should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere, he can be cured and made human again."

                                                                                        C.S. Lewis, 1977

       My, oh my! I could testify that loathesome people could grow a heart and be human again! Hahaha! It was only last month that I could truly say to myself that I have forgiven the people that I have detested for years…yes, YEARS! Well, that was before I became a Christian… When I gave up my life to God, I also learned to let go of  my hatred for these people. Thank God, without me having to agonize over them to change their ways, they turned into caring and loving homo sapien sapiens. Improved mammalia! Hahaha!  MIRACLES DO HAPPEN !!! 

    "….Human
beings experience their deepest, most poignant moments of connection through
intimacy : We let someone into our lives, and they allow us to enter
theirs…Over time, familiarity with close friends can imperceptibly crystallize
into fixed images of them. We start to define them in terms of our own needs
and desires instead of theirs. No matter
how well we know or trust someone, we cannot afford the complacency of taking
that person for granted…If love isn’t nurtured in the soil of unconditional
openness, it can succumb to stagnation.

   In the moment of shutting off or
turning away from another, we can feel the sting of intimacy betrayed. An
awareness of having failed to treat the
other as an equal….flashes through our mind. Then in the next moment, we find ourselves startled by the suffering of
a stranger. Suddenly we feel connected to the starving child in Sudan or to the homeless person on the sidewalk, and we
feel the astonishment of belonging to a body of life that infinitely
exceeds our own. The numbness of alienation gives way to the
mystery of participation…

 
Intimacy is realized in giving
oneself while wholly receiving the gift
of the other."

  I have been wanting to post this article for the longest time but I think that today is the most opportune time to do so. Why? Because today  I realized that God has blessed me with people who I can really call my friends. 

        Early this morning, I was greeted by a text message from Dottie saying, "I’m just glad that I have you as my friend to take care of me when I need taking care of ." Aaww,that’s tad too sweet!

        By lunch time, I got into a serious conversation with Jozay about Godly relationships. I am happy to have found a mature Christian whom I can share my beliefs with. Jozay is an answered prayer.:)

        After lunch, Maia and I talked about…uhm… a lot of things. Well,primarily about relating to other people. Maia has always been a source of comfort when I am troubled. It’s funny that when I have a rift with somebody, she feels rage for the other person more than I do. While sort of role-playing, she said, "…dyan ka lang Ria ha,sasabunutan ko siya…". Sometimes I wish I have Maia’s guts  to speak my mind. She inspires me to be a stronger person. In a way, she has also encouraged me to just ignore people who are not worth my time. She’s right…I can’t possibly like everybody and everybody can’t possibly like me. So why fuss? I am not running for Ms. Congeniality anyway. As Maia said, being "Ms. Switzerland" is better . Being on neutral ground is better. It is far less complicated and frustrating….and I have less chances of choosing the wrong person to smile at…moreso to be friends with. Uh-oh!                  

        Maia and I don’t engage in long conversations everyday but when we do talk, we pour our hearts out. Conversations with Maia have always been therapeutic. Our conversations always end with an  "I love you."…and no matter how frequently it has  been said, it never lost or will ever lose its meaning.

        To love and to be loved back are the greatest feelings one could ever have.  I thank the people in my life who have made me experience these feelings…awesome…wondrous…glorious feelings!
I thank God for the gifts I call my friends. You are my angels without wings.

       I don’t know what pushes me to write this blog…despair? angst? or simply boredom?  Nah. Words are to me like fluffy pillows…providing solace to a soul drawn to solitary confinement. Me and my eremitic fantasies. I could actually  live a hermit-like existence. Just give me a pen, a paper, and a quiet place to think, think, and think…then write.

      On with this blog…it’s been quite a while since I last wrote the recent post "The Homecoming". I’m posting this blog mainly to denounce most, if not all, of the things I’ve written in that essay of some sort. Oh well, I realized that I can’t bear being home-bound. I can’t stand living with most of the members of my family 24/7…and I’m quite sure that the feeling  is mutual. Let’s just say that some personalities just don’t match. Cholerics clash with phlegmatics…like lions don’t mingle with sloths…like oil doesn’t mix well with water…like DUH ??!!!   

       Anyway, I’m still living independently in the city…and I think I’m better off this way. Yeah…better this way than be a reliant bum.  Since I’m not going anywhere for now, I have to work with my students…for the love of them! I’ve just started teaching again after an entire month’s leave. It’s always fun to be with children!  I’m also excited about the program for persons with disabilties in Bgy. San Lorenzo…this project keeps me busy nowadays. My hands are almost full but I’m ready for more! Okay now…bring ‘em on !!! 

      My mom arrived from the US two weeks ago. It actually feels strange to be with all the members of the family in our house. Certainly, I am happy because my mom is here but I am anxious at the same time…fearing that a war might break between my parents any time. Oh, like what almost happened the other day. Whew!

     Oh well, the atomic bomb wasn’t dropped on that day. Thank God. Someday, God will make the greatest miracle in my life…He will bring peace to our family. I’m believing God for that because nothing is impossible with Him.

On that day, I will no longer be afraid to go to our house…which is not a home just yet. I will spend time with my family and really enjoy every moment of my stay with them. I hope that day will come soon. I am sick of being alone. I have been living on my own for the past ten years. I need a real family.

     In the next few days, I have no choice but to be with them… my family. I sort of forced myself to be reacquainted with how it is to live with my parents and sibs. I gave up my place in the city. I quitted my job. I am definitely home-bound.   

     What I did was crazy. It was a reckless abandon of my life to God. It was an act of faith…faith in the One who promised me that if I believe in Him, he will save me along with my entire household. (Acts 16:31)

    I invest my faith in the character of God.

Lost in a myriad of questions,

unsure of most, if not all, of the answers.

Groping at dusk,

Striving, fumbling, clambering…

Not knowing if all of these struggles

will amount to anything.

Seemingly futile, isn’t it?

But I keep on pushing,

driving myself to the utmost.

Not because I want to…

but

I HAVE TO.

An obligation to my Maker

to immerse my mind

and pour out my heart

in everything that I do…

no matter how uncertain,

difficult, and daunting

the task may be.

A commitment to my Creator

to take a leap of faith

and rise up to the challenge ;

to be oblivious

to the cares of this world

and fix my eyes

on Him who reigns over all.

A pledge to my Friend

to treasure the life He has given me…

the new life that I gained

through His immense suffering and pain.

I am forever indebted to Him

whose love was sealed with His own blood.

A reliance on my Shepherd

who faithfully sought me

again and again…

and again.

Even when I wandered into the black alleys

and fell into the murkiest of pits.

Wisdom descended on me as I pondered…

Being in a destitute void

is actually a cause for celebration.

Because it is in the shadows of ambiguity

that the brilliance of the Light

embraces my being,

comforts my soul,

and fills my heart with radiant hope.

       Whoa! It’s been a loong time since I’ve tinkered with my blog. I’ve been wanting to write…but there’s no time. Sigh.

       My nose has been buried under my books for the past couple of weeks trying to review for the NBCOT. Emphasis on the word TRYING. Yeah…I have been trying…but I am still out of focus. Whaaaa! It’s so NOT me to be NOT focused. I used to be….way back in college, that is. Studying…urgh…memorizing is new to me now. Extensor polllicis brevis. Amyotrophic leteral sclerosis. Duchene muscular dystrophy. Yada,yada,yada… They all seem Greek to me.  Another sigh.

       Well, I should always be looking at the brighter side of things, right? What is the brighter side of this?  Hmm…it distracts me from focusing on the drama that is my life. Boohoo. And it increases my dependence in God…everyday I pray that He’d help me to keep my eyes on the  more important things in life…and to appreciate the wonders this universe has to offer. I still love death over life though…for death is the gateway to heaven. But for as long as I am still breathing, I vow to myself that I shall enjoy every moment of my existence.  Yeah! Enough of sighing.

      No more sighs for the next four days, I hope. I’ll be going on a tri-city adventure in South East Asia. All by my lonesome. Beat that! I’m feeling giddy about the trip but at the same time a bit anxious about wandering alone in three foreign lands. There will be a tour guide alright…but braveheart me planned to deviate from the itinerary and go to Kuala Lumpur by myself. My, oh my! I have to do my own research how to get there! Eight hours before my flight to Singapore….and I still have no idea how to get to KL from my hotel. Not a good sign. I have the whole night to search the net. No worries. I haven’t even packed my bag yet!      

      I know this trip will be another "faith trek"….like the one I had when I scaled the mountains of Banaue last year….the first of my solitrary journeys. It will just be me and my God face to face. I am uncertain of what will happen to me in Singapore, Malaysia, and Indonesia but what I am certain is that God will be there for me all the time. My hope and my confidence lies in Him who rules the world !

     I’m going to survive the trip to write again…Part 2 is next!

       It has been amost a month since my Thai trip. Sigh. I promised myself that I’ll immortalize every moment of it through the written word… before my consciousness gets drowned in a sea of patient reports.

       I got drowned. Not ony with reports,but also with loads and loads of icky dust, cobwebs, trash bags, and tattered boxes. One week of writing reports and meeting with the parents of my patients. Another week of transferring stuff to my new place. My energy level is way, way down. Sapped. Sub-zero. Drowned…and trying to revive.

     This week, I was supposed to recuperate. I worked for only 2-3 hours a day.  But I was and still am so tired. Double sigh. There’s just one thing that made my week happy : my graduation from my Christian ministry course! The ceremony was held last night at the VCF Fort. It was exciting to see so many toga-clad peope who are on fire to spread God’s word. We’re all geared towards a great adventure with God and for God! Wow! Can anything be more meanigful than that? I wonder where God will take me…maybe out there in the boondocks! Hahaha!

     Speaking of (uhm…writing of?) adventures …let me tell you about the crazy things I did in Bangkok and Pattaya. Finally !!!  Amazing Thailand hosted me and my family and teased us to shell out our precious Bahts to :

    * watch a man lock lips with a crocodile…and eventually put his head inside the
       croc’s mouth (okay, okay, times are hard…and money doesn’t grow on trees…
       people defy death to earn money…and we get entertained…isn’t that crazy?)

    * bottle-feed a tiger cub (cutie baby!)

    * hug a big burly albino bear ( a real one ha…not a stuffed toy!…hehe!)

    *  hang onto a giant elephant’s tusk and be lifted 20 feet up in the air with its trunk
        coiled around my puny body

    *  watch Muay -Thai boxing and several traditional dance performances in a
        cultural show. take note, 2 big elephants and 4 baby elephants were "actors" in           the show

    *  see half a dozen elephants dressed and dance  like the Bellstar dancers (remember,
        from GMA Supershow?).

    * witness several sports events - darts, basketball, and soccer. guess what? …
       all the players were elephants ! ( Thai people make their elephants do every    
       conceivable trick…i bet their elephants could even repair my kitchen sink!) But this
       shocked me the most…a baby elephant asking for alms in front of a mall right in
       the city…and if that wasn’t enough…i saw a huge elephant on a busy street at
       midinight…also begging! My garsh! Elephants everywhere!

    * PARASAIL !!! (the best 5 minutes of  my life! … see mommy, I can fly!)

    * do UNDERSEA WALKING! ( it’s like  diving…but you’re just gonna wear a swimsuit
       and a head gear similar to that of an astronaut’s)

    * feed a gazillion schools of fish under the sea ( didn’t find Nemo though)

    * play with a sea urchin and an anemone

    * do an underwater pictorial (feeling model…hahaha!)

    * shop in a boat at the world famous floating market ( nothing extraordinary…maybe
      the Manila government woud like to put Divisoria in an estero of the Pasig
      River…it’s just like that. I can’t believe we changed the itinerary, paid
      extra money, and travelled several hours from the hotel just for that…not worth
      the hassle !)

    * go to the biggest temple in Bangkok and take pictures of my silly sister’s stuffed
      dog

    End of the list! That’s all I can remember for now. The rest is still under the water.